2 posts tagged “walking”

The fact is, I only have so much emotional energy.

It takes emotional energy to continue trying to improve my writing, to continue to seek publication in the face of repeated rejection.  To say, "No, they're wrong," even though "they" are the experts and power-holders who could grant me entry into that world I so long to join, the realm of published authors; "No, they're wrong, and I'm just going to find someone else who is right," meaning, of course, some other pub that will give my work public play. 

It takes emotional energy to deal with my temperamental genius son, who states with a straight face (and I can only believe him, the evidence supports it), "I like fighting and arguing, it's fun."  It takes a great deal of emotional energy and creativity to find ways to motivate this stubborn mule, this freakishly annoying child, to adopt behaviors that will help him avoid making enemies everywhere he goes, especially when what works on him one week loses its effectiveness the following week.  It takes vast reservoirs of emotional energy to feel the eyes of shop workers and other parents boring into my back and know they are thinking, "Get control of your kid," or "What a brat!" or "If my child ever acted that way, I'd do something about it," and say, "No, they're wrong, I AM a good mother, I'm doing the best I can and it could be a lot worse, and some of the things you wish I would try I HAVE tried and they only make him dig in his heels harder."

It takes emotional energy to send out resume after resume, to call back and wiggle my toe in the door, to attend interviews, to sell myself and my skills (when salesmanship has never been one of my strengths), and then to get the form letter rejection or no answer at all which must be interpreted as rejection after a certain length of time has passed; and to say, "No, they're wrong, they're missing out on a dedicated and talented employee and it's their loss.  No, they're wrong and if they can't see that, then I wouldn't want to work for them anyway.  And I'm just going to find someone else who is right," meaning, of course, someone who WILL hire me. 

It takes a great deal of emotional energy to meet all the world's NOs time after time after time, with a great big fat NO of my own:  "NO, YOU'RE WRONG.  You're wrong about me, my skills, my creations, my child -- you're ALL WRONG and I will PROVE I'm right!" 

And after shouting all of THESE NOs back at the world, I find I am out of the emotional energy that would be necessary to say, "No, I'm not going to eat that; no, I'm not hungry and even if I were, hunger is a good thing right now." 

This summer, ever since about April, has been filled with all kinds of NO; and it has not been a good summer for my weight-loss goals. Not only am I not moving forward, I'm backsliding.  All I can do right now is damage control, on the weight-loss front. 

But I have a great need right now to feel like a success at SOMETHING; so maybe if I can just scrape up enough emotional energy to get back on that weight-loss wagon--that thing which is wholly under my own control, and does not depend in the slightest degree on the efforts or responses or judgments of others--then success there would help me refill my emotional reservoir enough to help with the other things, too.

So on that note, I am going to turn off my computer, go on a long walk that will end up at the local Rec Center, and then swim laps until I can't move my arms anymore.     

Here's what I'm going to do in 2008:

(Yoda:  There is no try!  Only do, or do not, there is!)

(Yes, okay, I am taking my inspiration from the words of a little green guy with funny ears who was actually a muppet voiced by the same guy who did Miss Piggy.  So what?  There's so little wisdom in this world of ours, ya gotta take it where you find it!)

So HERE'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO, IN 2008!!!!!

- Get something published (no matter how small), for actual money (no matter how paltry), in some publicly-distributed magazine (no matter how obscure).

- Write 15 hours a week -- fiction, not blogging.  Blogging will have to be after that commitment is met.

- Write a minimum of 3500 new words a week during those 15 hours of work -- including the time spent on research and learning the craft.

- Reach my target weight & size

- Dispose of all clothing larger than that size -- gone from my home, nevermore to be seen again on my person!

- Walk a half-marathon

- Walk across the Mackinac Bridge on Labor Day