2 posts tagged “patience”

Thanks to everyone!  Your understanding and support are wonderful.

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My problem yesterday was that I was off my guard.  I didn't think of the movies as a danger zone. 

Some environments and activities, we know they're trouble.  Say, shopping at Meijer's -- you could not pay me enough to do grocery shopping with E.S. in tow.  (Believe me -- I've tried it before and it's just not worth the mental and emotional anguish.)  So we either just don't take him to those, or we're mentally prepared for the Stop-Drop-&-Roll treatment (which in this case means, Stop what you're doing, Drop everything, and Roll on out of there). 

But he's gone to countless movies over the past 3 years, and never had a problem before. 

Talking it over, D.H. and I think we made several errors in judgment.

(1) We were a little worried about going to a new Pixar movie on opening weekend.  In retrospect, we should have listened to that little worry.  The theatre was more crowded than they usually are when we go.

(2) We should have picked a row where there was no one in front of us, to be bothered by E.S. fidgets. 

(3) One of us should have taken E.S. in hand, quietly, the first time the Guy turned around.  We shouldn't have assumed that E.S. would respond appropriately to the Guy's request. 

(4) We should have had a little "review" of consideration-for-other-movie-goers ground rules, before we went in.  It would have benefited all the kids, really.  Often when we go to a public place like this, it helps a lot to have a little chat ahead of time about expected behavior and consequences for misbehavior.

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I think that normally movies aren't a problem for Eldest Son b/c he gets so engrossed in the screen world.  I think the problem here stemmed from the fact that the Guy jolted him out of that world with his first request to stop the kicking.  Up to that point, I'm quite sure E.S. was not even aware of his swinging legs, or that his feet would bother the Guy. 

All of a sudden, he's jolted out of the movie world and criticized for something he didn't even know he was doing.  Yes, the Guy was calm-but-firm, polite.  I'm still not saying the Guy did anything wrong. 

Doesn't matter; E.S. would see it as criticism and suddenly get all anxious and defensive.  He was already excited about going to the movie, and whether the excitement is good or bad, they both pile up inside him until he blows his stack. 

The rigidity of Asperger's:  The harder you push Eldest Son, the harder he digs in his heels.  But, faced with an apparently defiant child, an adult's instinct is to push harder, to insist even more firmly that the kid toe the line.  But, the harder you push E.S., the harder he digs in his heels.  And the harder you want to push him to obey.  And the harder he digs in his heels.  And...

So when the Guy asked him AGAIN to stop kicking, E.S. dug in his heels harder.  And then when D.H. said to him sternly about how he had to move, or leave, he dug in his heels even harder still. 

And, because he hadn't MEANT to do any of it and he was now getting worried and anxious about having to leave the movie which he didn't want to miss... BOOM!  He couldn't contain his internal pressure, and started howling.  Which, of course, led exactly TO the thing he was most afraid of, being taken out and having to miss the rest of it.

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The problem with E.S. is, at the moment when his behavior is the most annoying to those around him, that's when he most needs them to be patient and keep their cool with him.  When adults get angry at him, that makes it harder for him to get back on track. 

Other kids, you use "The Voice" or give "The Look" that says, "You're treading on thin ice, buster, and you'd better shape up" -- maybe it works.  They back down.  They bow to the adult's authority and want to avoid making an adult angry with them.  They do shape up. 

With E.S., it backfires.  Believe me.  It's the Negative Spiral of Doom, and I've experienced it myself countless times.  Even though I KNOW this, sometimes I still can't help getting sucked in. 

Signs of adult anger make him anxious. When he gets more anxious, he gets more rigid and obsessive and perseverative.  When he gets rigid and obsessive and perseverative, he CAN'T let go of whatever it is.  He really, truly CAN'T.  No matter how irrational it may be.  ("I can't SEE as well from there!" -- 3 seats to the left)  You've got to break him out of that negative loop, and you can't do that with an angry voice, because an angry voice just adds to his anxiety, and that just makes him more rigid and obsessive and perseverative, and even LESS able to let go of it, and...

The Negative Spiral of Doom.

The harder you push, the harder he digs in his heels. 

What it's kind of like is, well, it's kind of like Windows crashing. 

"A Fatal Error Has Been Detected." 

Only thing left is to reboot.

With E.S., rebooting requires being removed from the situation. 

So, D.H. stepped up and did it. 

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Last night as he was getting ready for bed, E.S. asked me to tell him what happened in the rest of the movie (which made me want to cry again). 

So I think one of us is going to take him back to try again.  Probably D.H., since he missed it too.  Just the two of them.  When Eldest Son is one on one with an adult, he's much more easy to manage.  Plus, we'll keep in mind our 4 lessons learned (above). 

Tomorrow we have a big meeting at his school to go over his IEP (Individual Education Plan).  This will be a help going into next year.  Although, this year's teacher has really been pretty awesome.  But we want be sure we capture whatever her magic pixie dust is, and hand it off to next year's teacher.  In a bottle with a nice little bow on it. 

Phew.

Okay.  'Nuff about this.  Let's move on. 

And speaking of Eldest Son (see previous post), as a matter of fact, that challenging morning was an exception to recent trends.

We did have that challenging morning last week, but on the whole, we've been seeing improvement in his behavior and attitude of late.

Here's what crystallized my awareness of that. 

Back in December, I had a little chat with one of his specials teachers, who had been having "issues" with him.  So then I had a little chat with him, about expectations of behavior toward this and all teachers.  So then earlier this week I called her up, just to see how things were going.  And this is what she said.

"The last couple of weeks have been really great.  I didn't see any improvement right away after we talked before, but the past few weeks he's been doing fine."

That's when I realized that had been pretty much true at home too.  So I hung up the phone and began wracking my brains to figure out what the heck had changed within the past two or three weeks that would account for this improvement.

And what I figured out really made me feel humbled as a mother (and as a person generally).

Here's what changed three weeks ago: 

I did.

It's Lent, and for Lent I've given up:  Coffee, booze, sweets, and novels.  Also I've been doing better about getting regular exercise, even though that wasn't a specific Lent promise.

Coffee, booze, and novels = A+.  Have not indulged.  Now I haven't done quite as well at sweets as I have at the others.  But I have been doing much better on sweets than I was before Lent.  I haven't eaten any cake or cookies or pie or anything like that.  I have been eating Valentines Nerds here and there, but really they come in such tiny boxes and suger per se, by itself, is not so bad calorie-wise, than if it were combined with flour and egg and butter. 

So. 

Because I know I can't rely on coffee to get me jumpstarted in the morning, guess what?  I've been going to bed earlier, and getting between 7 and 8 hours of sleep every night.  And I also haven't had any headaches during this time. 

Because I'm not sucking down novels in two- and three-hundred-page gulps, that has helped me get more of my own writing (and editing) done and has also helped me on the going-to-bed-on-time front.

Because I'm not sucking down sugar (much), I'm not getting the sugar-high/sugar-crash effect on my mood and energy.

Because I'm getting more exercise, that's also levelling out my mood and energy.

Since I normally don't drink wine until the kids have gone to bed, and normally not more than two glasses at one sitting, I'm not sure what impact that absence may have had, except as the byproducts of alcohol metabolism remain in your system for a day or two doing I don't even know what to my mood.

So. 

I mostly did this for my own benefit -- for the hoped-for spiritual benefit of sacrificing things I enjoy during Lent, and incidentally, doing a sort of mini-detox for physical benefit as well.  (Inspired by One Feisty Mama's detox efforts pre-Christmas.) 

I did not expect and had not noticed any difference in my own behavior due to these efforts. 

But there must have been some. 

This is my logic chain:  More sleep + More exercise ==> More patience ==> Less control-freakery and yelling on my part ==> Saner Eldest Son.

Because nothing else has changed.

It's still snowy & cold & often grey.  He still doesn't get outside as often as he should to run off his energy, as a result.  He still goes to the same school.  Everything else is the same.

Welp, humble pie is not sweet, so I guess that's okay for Lent.

No, I'm not totally guilt-tripping here and it's not my Seasonal Affective Disorder talking.  It's just making me think. 

About what I should do when Lent is over.