Windblown

Just Say No

nobody@vox.com(Carole) — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 12:36:06 -0700

The fact is, I only have so much emotional energy.

It takes emotional energy to continue trying to improve my writing, to continue to seek publication in the face of repeated rejection. To say, "No, they're wrong," even though "they" are the experts and power-holders who could grant me entry into that world I so long to join, the realm of published authors; "No, they're wrong, and I'm just going to find someone else who is right," meaning, of course, some other pub that will give my work public play.

It takes emotional energy to deal with my temperamental genius son, who states with a straight face (and I can only believe him, the evidence supports it), "I like fighting and arguing, it's fun." It takes a great deal of emotional energy and creativity to find ways to motivate this stubborn mule, this freakishly annoying child, to adopt behaviors that will help him avoid making enemies everywhere he goes, especially when what works on him one week loses its effectiveness the following week. It takes vast reservoirs of emotional energy to feel the eyes of shop workers and other parents boring into my back and know they are thinking, "Get control of your kid," or "What a brat!" or "If my child ever acted that way, I'd do something about it," and say, "No, they're wrong, I AM a good mother, I'm doing the best I can and it could be a lot worse, and some of the things you wish I would try I HAVE tried and they only make him dig in his heels harder."

It takes emotional energy to send out resume after resume, to call back and wiggle my toe in the door, to attend interviews, to sell myself and my skills (when salesmanship has never been one of my strengths), and then to get the form letter rejection or no answer at all which must be interpreted as rejection after a certain length of time has passed; and to say, "No, they're wrong, they're missing out on a dedicated and talented employee and it's their loss. No, they're wrong and if they can't see that, then I wouldn't want to work for them anyway. And I'm just going to find someone else who is right," meaning, of course, someone who WILL hire me.

It takes a great deal of emotional energy to meet all the world's NOs time after time after time, with a great big fat NO of my own: "NO, YOU'RE WRONG. You're wrong about me, my skills, my creations, my child -- you're ALL WRONG and I will PROVE I'm right!"

And after shouting all of THESE NOs back at the world, I find I am out of the emotional energy that would be necessary to say, "No, I'm not going to eat that; no, I'm not hungry and even if I were, hunger is a good thing right now."

This summer, ever since about April, has been filled with all kinds of NO; and it has not been a good summer for my weight-loss goals. Not only am I not moving forward, I'm backsliding. All I can do right now is damage control, on the weight-loss front.

But I have a great need right now to feel like a success at SOMETHING; so maybe if I can just scrape up enough emotional energy to get back on that weight-loss wagon--that thing which is wholly under my own control, and does not depend in the slightest degree on the efforts or responses or judgments of others--then success there would help me refill my emotional reservoir enough to help with the other things, too.

So on that note, I am going to turn off my computer, go on a long walk that will end up at the local Rec Center, and then swim laps until I can't move my arms anymore.

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Good Old Eldest Son

nobody@vox.com(Carole) — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 05:24:08 -0700

Here's what he said recently when he began to overhear Mommy and Daddy talking about Mommy looking for a job:

Eldest Son: "But you already have a job!"

Me: "Not really, hon."

Daddy: "She stays at home all day with you guys."

Me: "--Not a paying job."

Eldest Son: "But you're an AUTHOR!"

***

Awwww! What a vote of confidence! Gems like that are what really get me thru the challenging times with this kid.

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Lordy, Lordy

nobody@vox.com(Carole) — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 20:14:54 -0700

(Sorry -- sacrilege not REALLY intended. Just couldn't resist. Actually that was a prayer...)

This is THE BUSIEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES (and stupid ME for signing them up for so much all in the same week -- but that's when all the programs they REALLY WANTED or NEEDED to do were happening...), and probably the most challenging aspect of it is our church's Vacation Bible School, which is held in the evenings.

We changed to from daytime to evening a few years back b/c we could get so many more volunteers in the evening. But, it is really quite hard on the little kiddoes. (and isn't it supposed to be for them? -- Eh, never mind.)

Not that they're not having a wonderful time, but they get home well after their normal bedtime, and then they take a while to wind down, and then they don't sleep in in the mornings, so by today the cumulative sleep deficit was--uh, well let's just say it was CLEARLY having an impact.

Poor Eldest Son is really struggling with his allergies too, which usually manifests itself in him as a constant post-nasal drip leading to constant hacking cough, usually leading to some form of secondary infection, this time an ear infection and probably sinus too. He's on Benedryl for the allergy-cough, and antibiotics for the infection, so don't look at me like that when I tell you that I let him continue going to his activities if he feels up to it. (And so far, he has only missed one session of Science Camp -- that's how I knew he was sick in the first place, when he said he thought he was too tired for that...) So tonight he was just absolutely beside himself, just completely, completely...

Lord. Give me strength. (I mean that. Or maybe not strength, maybe patience and flexibility. Or maybe just whatever the dickens you think I need -- that usually works...)

He fell asleep tonight within about 5 minutes of being dragged up to his room -- protesting he wasn't tired. Let's just hope he really sleeps in tomorrow -- he's not real good at that.

And Princess! Man alive, that little woman was a stinker and a half today. It was like she did not understand English.

Littlest Brother was the only one of them who was remotely normal today -- and, of course, he's the one who stayed home with me last night and went to bed at his usual time. Plus he still takes naps, although this week he's getting shorted on them a bit b/c of the schedule for Precious Princess's Safety Town class. By the time we get home from dropping her off, he doesn't REALLY have enough time for a nap before we have to go pick her up again.

Ai-yi-yi, well, over the hump, anyway. Tomorrow evening's the last day of VBS, and then on Friday we have just the two camps in the afternoon -- Safety Town and Science Camp. A nice slow Friday morning will do us all a TON of good.

Plus, I'm tired, and when my sleep deficit gets high enough, well, let's just say that an outside observer could probably tell.

So g'night!

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Catching Up On Pix

nobody@vox.com(Carole) — Mon, 26 May 2008 15:34:42 -0700

Finally downloaded my camera, and now have shots illustrating some of my recent posts. So, what follows is a whirlwind tour of my life in May; for more details, scroll down to earlier posts! ;-)

(1) Portrait of the Artist. Mentioned Eldest Son had a first-grade artwork chosen for the all-district art show. His is the fancy letter "A".

Portrait of the Artist 5-2-08

(2) Eldest Son's Rainforest display. Only two of MANY projects related to the rainforest unit, but these are the most photogenic. (He refused to pose in front of his poster.) Note, he specified in the poster that we must save the rainforestS (plural) because, as he pointed out, there are many of them, all over the world. Little Mr. Precision, that's him...

A's Macaw 1G Art 5-22-08

A's Macaw 1G Poster 5-22-08

(3) Tidy Kitchen Counters!!! Yeah!!

Tidy Counters 1 5-22-08

Tidy Counters 2 5-22-08

(Note the Macaw mask in the center of this shot -- yet another rainforest project!)

(4) Memorial Day (Today), at the parade. Clearly, I should have stayed out of this shot... But the kids are cute!! :-)

Memorial Day 5-26-08

(5) Precious Princess teaching her dinosaurs about addition. Note that they have each been issued with a blank sheet of paper and a sharpened pencil. The teacher of these students is prepared!

Pedagogy 5-26-08

On this day that we set aside in honor of all those who have served our country, so that scenes like these can continue to occur in peace and safety,

I dedicate this post to you.

Thank you.

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All the news

nobody@vox.com(Carole) — Thu, 22 May 2008 20:47:37 -0700

Everybody's all healthy now. Just been busy lately, extremely busy.

Had a riproaring week, though not in a bad way. But enough so that Dear Husband was exceedingly relieved when he asked me what was on the agenda for tomorrow night, and I said, "Nothing. You're grilling chicken breasts for dinner, and we're hanging out at home."

And enough so that I was exceedingly relieved, nay, blissed-out, when he reminded me that he is off work tomorrow. His generous employer observes Memorial Day as a 4-day holiday instead of 3, and he gets tomorrow off as well as Monday.

O.M.G., I feel like me again! I've been depressed for so long (even with the medication, I now realize -- it just made me bearable, didn't make me me), and now I'm finally, finally me again!

I got so flippin' much done this week! It's unbelievable. I actually organized the kitchen counters! On top of everything else we did this week! Now, that may not seem like much, but, come on, you all saw my kitchen counter back in February when I posted about my 15th wedding anniversary, complete with photo of my roses on my kitchen counter. And it only got worse since then, believe me.

When I found myself preparing my family's meals on the 8 or 10 inches closest to the counter's edge, because the rest of the counter was entirely covered in a foot-high mound of crap (metaphorically speaking), I said, "Girl, something's got to change."

So, hah! DID that. Check!

(I love to make lists, and check them off. It is the most deliciously satisfying feeling, making that little check mark!)

Okay, Big Kid Items since last update:

- Littlest Brother has been moved to a Big Boy Bed!

His crib and dresser/changing table having been schlepped off to Aunt J's parents, who are, even as I type, schlepping off down to Tennessee (a roughly 8-hour drive from hereabouts) to deliver said furniture along with all of the baby shower gifts to J & B in anticipation of MY FIRST NIECE's arrival next month. Yippee!!

Although I must admit to a pang as I was contemplating L.B.'s "last night in the crib" and "last nap in the crib" and so on -- the crib which has seen continual hard use by my children over the past 7-1/2 years. It served us well and truly is NOT much worse for the wear! I would definitely recommend the Childcraft brand of baby furniture.

- Continuing with the Big Boy theme, L.B. has taken to sitting on the toilet and attempting to go "peedle" first thing in the morning after we take his diaper off. And this morning he actually did it! Peedled into the potty! He was absolutely bursting with pride. So, I'm thinking potty training is on the horizon. I really detest potty training, on the whole, but I think L.B. MAY be easier than the older two were. He's SO motivated to be Big Boy.

- Eldest Son got a set of Bunk Beds! His old twin bed having been handed down to Littlest Brother. He of course insists on sleeping on the top bunk, and loves it. Absolutely adores it. Couldn't be happier.

- Also, tonight was Eldest Son's class "Rainforest" event. Their entire classroom has been decorated as a rainforest, complete with paper vines and animals, for the past month, and the children have been busy learning about, you guessed it, rainforests. They each chose an animal to become an expert on, and he chose the Macaw. He did a fabulous job at tonight's presentation, telling about the Macaw.

And, I noticed several important areas of progress for him during the related projects leading up to tonight's event. He showed new capacity for accepting adult advice, for changing his plan mid-stream when the first plan didn't work out, for continuing on a project even after he got frustrated with it -- for coming back to it after a cooling-off period and solving the problem. All of these things are tremendously encouraging for me to witness, because I know only too well from past experience how much it could have gone differently (read: worse).

And finally -- I got my first rejection from my most recent bout of story-submitting! Yeah!

And know what I did? I revamped the opening a tad bit, hoping to sharpen up the "hook". And I sent it out AGAIN, to a DIFFERENT publication! Yeah!

And I'm going to KEEP submitting it until either I use up my list of pubs that I think would be a good fit for it (in which case I'll retire it temporarily, let it rest a bit and work on some other things), OR one of them buys it! YEAH!

So THERE!

AND, last week Friday I submitted what I think is maybe my best bet yet. So, we'll see how that goes.

So, I still have 5 stories out there at this point.

And I'm wallowing in the mire of this one darned story that just keeps getting worse and worse.

Six months ago, it seemed like my best story yet. Seemed like it really didn't need much polishing in order to send it out. And then, and then everything I tried just made it WORSE. And I just got SO SICK OF IT, I literally couldn't stand the sight of it. I became completely incapable of judging whether the latest changes were in any way an improvement over the previous version, or if the entire thing was just a load of crap. Gee, maybe I should change it to present tense. Gee, maybe I should rewrite it from the point-of-view of the ficus tree. Gee, maybe I should write it in second person. And finally I decided to just take a fresh approach, and start over again on a blank sheet of paper.

No, no, no, don't worry, I didn't junk it. What, 're you kidding? I am constitutionally UNABLE to throw ANYTHING away, even when my entire house is being drowned in clutter. (Think: Tribbles. Made out of paper. Stacks and stacks of paper. And toys. Floods and floods of brightly-colored chunks of plastic, knee-deep in places.) Never mind my hard drive. My hard drive is essentially boundless for the kind of files I keep, and at least old computer files don't pile up in the meatspace, and threaten to topple over, burying small children under an avalanche of paper and Barbie-doll shoes. No, of course I changed the file name and still have ALL of the versions of this story -- all 7 of them to date, PLUS the all-new one.

So, I'm behind on my self-imposed deadline for getting this story in shape for submission, but I think it'll be worth it.

Okay, I've GOT to got to bed.

Toodle-oo!!

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Stuff's gettin' better

nobody@vox.com(Carole) — Mon, 12 May 2008 14:18:17 -0700

Feeling some better. Didn't break out in hives at Littlest Brother's swimming lesson today, so that weird skin-sensitivity thing seems to have gone away. Pretty much just dealing with stuffed-up head and a cough, which seem to be minutely better from one day to the next, so not really impacting my life any.

L.B. got the stomach-fever-gas thing, but he's better now too, and nobody else got that. Yay.

Eldest Son's Recent Accomplishments:

(Just to show you it's not all challenge and no reward...)

- Piano Recital a week and a day ago (the day of the night I got sick, so didn't blog about it)

- Had a piece of artwork chosen for the all-school-district art show that was held this past weekend over at the High School. (He had a piece chosen last year during kindergarten, too. There are things chosen from maybe 5 or so kids in each classroom at the elementary grades.) We all piled into the car and went to see that on Friday night, which was a big hit. Big Daddy got a cute Portrait Of The Artist As A Young Man in front of his work, which I will post one of these days once I get the camera downloaded. The kids all really dug the quite-impressive works of the high-school art students, too.

- Is doing well at swimming lessons. Learning to dive into the deep end! "12 feet 3 inches deep," as he explained with precision later.

- Provided this completely adorable Mother's Day book which had me yelping in laughter as I read it. This book was where the children were provided with fill-in-the-blank sentences which they could complete as appropriate for their own mother, plus space where they could illustrate said fact.

My personal favorite was the page where Eldest Son had written,

My mother is very good at staying calm."

The little stick-figure-me above was smiling, and a speak-bubble impaling her head contained these enigmatic glyphs: "Huuuu. Huuuu."

"What am I saying here, honey?"

"Oh, that. You're taking deep breaths."

*giggle*

Well, I guess I OUGHTA be; goodness knows I get enough opportunities to practice!!!

;-)

Happy Belated Mother's Day to everyone to whom that applies!

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If all your friends jumped off a cliff...

nobody@vox.com(Carole) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 19:07:49 -0700

What they hey, all KINDS of other Voxers are doing "Things on Tuesday," so I guess I will too.

Things I'm Loathing Today:

- Having eaten chocolates after lunch

- Having failed, ONCE AGAIN, to tidy up the house before my cleaning lady comes tomorrow (She does the cleaning -- vacuuming, mopping, and so on; I'm supposed to do the tidying that makes it possible for her to do her work...)

- Watching my poor little tykes get their shots at their check-ups today

- Having to communicate the decision I've come to -- can't really put it off much longer

- Water waste, agricultural run-off, invasive species, and loss of biodiversity (hey, it's Earth Day after all)

Things I'm Loving Today:

- Eldest Son, Precious Princess, and Littlest Brother

- Oh, Dear Husband too! :-)

- Having come to a decision

- Having tested a hypothesis regarding Eldest Son's behavioral "issues" (and deciding I was RIGHT)

- Feeling not judged, but supported, by Eldest Son's teacher and school social worker at today's meeting

- Looking forward to tomorrow's first meeting with the psychologist -- in the sense of at last maybe here is someone who can help us all (hoping this is not setting myself up for a big crashing disappointment like last year's counselor was)

- Learning that my little tykes are about as healthy as horses -- no worries there; no surprises either

- Having access to vaccinations for my kids

- Watching Disney's "Beauty and the Beast" with Precious Princess for the first time, this afternoon (I'd seen it before, when it first came out; she hadn't ever, before today)

- Aerobics Boot Camp

- Sloppy Joes for dinner

- Dear Husband taking the kids out for ice cream, so I got to eat my dinner AND take a shower in peace! Heaven!

- Looking forward to this weekend's Women's Retreat for my church.

*****

Cheers, all!

- C

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Feeling greatly at peace...

nobody@vox.com(Carole) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 18:35:33 -0700

...for reasons I will discuss in a later post.

In the meantime, a few updates:

- I haven't written a new word in almost 3 weeks. (For shame!!)

Fell out of the habit during the Disney vacation. In my own defense, however, it's not that I haven't worked on my writing during that time -- I've been editing the heck out of several pieces that were languishing in the first-draft-with-crit stage. These are the 3 -- no, 4 -- well, let's say 5 short pieces I want to get wrapped up and sent out before tackling my Novel / Trilogy / Series. Enough procrastinating on the edits, DANG IT!

- I'm also languishing on a plateau of weightloss. Or should that be weightlosslessness? Bah. Well, I still have 5 whole months to my 20th high-school reunion, so all hope is not yet lost!

- I've been enjoying my aerobics class (intimidatingly titled "Boot Camp") -- much to my surprise.

- I don't THINK I'll be homeschooling Eldest Son next year -- which is probably for the best.

Cheers,

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Songs to think by...

nobody@vox.com(Carole) — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 12:14:02 -0700

I adore the music of Sara Groves.

I don't generally care much for Christian rock -- I hear so much more divinity in traditional choral music -- but I can never get enough of Sara Groves. Her music is richly haunting, and her lyrics deceptively simple, many-layered. She so richly expresses things I need to hear; and almost every song of hers makes me think. Hard.

Tuesday afternoon I was thinking of this song from her "All Right Here" album:

All Right Here

"You Cannot Lose My Love"

You will lose your baby teeth

At times you'll lose your faith in me

You will lose a lot of things

But you cannot lose my love

You may lose your appetite

Your guiding sense of wrong and right

You may lose your will to fight

But you cannot lose my love

You will lose your confidence

In times of trial your common sense

You may lose your innocence

But you cannot lose my love

Many things can be misplaced

Your very memories be erased

No matter what the time or space

You cannot lose my love

You cannot lose

You cannot lose my love

***

That last stanza made me cry the first time I heard it. My husband's grandmother had died not long before, after a long period of progressively worsening dementia. My own grandfather was dying, and following a similar course. It was very hard for me to watch the diminishment of these beloved people, especially as my own small children were doing the exact opposite. Every day my son became a tiny bit more capable, and every day my grandfather became a tiny bit less.

Dementia is sort of horrifying and terrifying to witness. After all, what am I -- the "I" that thinks these things -- if not a being capable of rational thought? What am I if not my own unique collection of memories and experiences? And if those memories disappear, if my intellect disappears, what will be left of me? I know dementia is not catching, and yet, I have always found it extremely disquieting, if only because it is a reminder of our own fragility and impermanence.

Then I heard this song.

When it came to the part about how, "Your very memories be erased, but you cannot lose my love" this expressed so strongly to me how the essential person-hood -- the soul -- of my grandfather was separate from his intellect and his rapidly vanishing memories, and how there was still something precious there. Something God loved. Something I could love. And I cried, hearing it; but it was a good kind of cry.

In a smaller way, at various times, I have lost many of the other things mentioned in this song -- lost and in some cases, regained. So I find this song comforting, as a reminder of the one thing, of all things, that I cannot lose.

***

Tuesday afternoon this song came to me in a new way.

(This was why that vote of confidence from Precious Princess later in the evening was doubly precious.)

Had a difficult phone call from Eldest Son's principal. Heart sinking, feeling defeated, not knowing what to do or how to approach the kid, how to solve this particular problem and how to steer him away from repeating it.

Unlike me, I prayed. I do not have a strong instinct to pray -- wasn't raised with it -- and it is not usually my first reaction when things get tough. But this time, rather than let my mind race about like a frantic hamster on a wheel, getting nowhere except exhausted, I decided to pray.

Song lyrics came into my head, together with their melodies.

First came, "Love one another, love one another, love one another... as I have loved you."

Then came the song above, the Sara Groves song.

This time I knew that it was not only a comforting reminder to me, but a directive as well.

I had to find a way to reach my son, to impress upon him the seriousness of the incident, to help him think of a way to make amends, to help him decide for himself that it was wrong and he shouldn't do it again, help him take ownership of his misbehavior... and yet, and yet, avoid making him feel bereft of my love.

Make him feel that no matter what else he loses -- in this case, his temper and his impulse control -- he cannot lose my love.

Ranting and raving was going to do more harm than good.

He's a stubborn mule, that kid; the harder you pull, the harder he digs in his heels.

I needed to not give him a reason to dig in his heels on this.

I think I managed it. By the time everyone went to bed, I was pretty sure he had taken ownership of the problem, taken it seriously, taken a step toward making amends... and still believed I loved him.

No matter what the time or space, he cannot lose my love.

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White Easter, AGAIN

nobody@vox.com(Carole) — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 16:42:09 -0700

2008 Edition of White Easter in Michigan,

brought to you by Carole

In Michigan, we don't have Spring. We've never had it, as far as I know. *shrugs*

I've lived here all my life; I'm used to it. But somehow, by Easter, I'm always hoping it wouldn't quite be THIS snowy:

White Easter '08 - Front Door

White Easter '08 - Back Door

The 2 pix above are from Friday evening, in the midst of the storm.

Here, shots of the aftermath:

White Easter - Husband's Morning Handiwork

(don't worry, he has a tractor with a plow on the front -- he didn't do all that by hand!)

(somebody else tried to, though! :-) )

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